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Hello Kitty, Dear Daniel Parts found In Hamburger

To the horror of local consumers of MacDonald's products, forensic experts have concluded that a substance found in a hamburger was indeed the ground remains of Hello Kitty and Dear Daniel. The investigation was prompted by a complaint from Angeline Tan, 14, who claimed her hamburger "tasted like cat". DNA testing revealed that the hamburger was indeed made up of 35% Hello Kitty and Dear Daniel and 65% unknown substances.

"It gives me nightmares just thinking about it." said Tan, "I thought MacDonald's loved Hello Kitty but it seems they were just using her for their capitalistic endeavours. Once she had served their evil purposes, they reduced her into ground meat."

Tan said that she and her friends planned to organize a mass boycott of the fast food chain, but was distracted by a "big, beautiful butterfly" and forgot.

Questions still remain in the investigation, including what fines MacDonalds will be made to pay and exactly how Tan knew what cat tasted like in the first place.

Killer Litter Claims Another Victim

A Yishun man became another of the growing list of "killer litter" victims  yesterday. The unidentified man was found dead in a pile of rubbish near his home. Police believe a discarded tyre assaulted him as he took his rubbish to the dumpster behind his flat.

"There were definite signs of struggle, and tyre marks on the body. I'd say he put up quite a fight, but the tyre was too powerful." said police Captain Hasni Aziz

Residents in the Yishun area have reported a rise in killer litter suspected deaths.

"It's no secret." said one anonymous resident. "There are bands of killer litter roving the streets at night. A few weeks ago, I was mugged by a potted plant at the bus stop."

Police concur that killer litter is a growing problem. "This isn't the generally harmless litter that used to be on the streets in the past." concurs Aziz. "Today's litter is now more dangerous perhaps due to changes in society."

Websters To Recognize "Lah" as Word

In a coup for the Singlish dialect, Webster's New World Dictionary and will now contain entries for the Singlish expression "Lah". The word will be classified as an exclamation and be placed in the auspicious position between "Lager Lout" and "Laid".

A spokesman for Webster, Dudley Forthright, explained the move this way: "Singapore is becoming recognized as a country which is gaining power in the world economy. As such, we at Webster's believe it is appropriate to begin to recognize one of the native languages of Singapore: Singlish."

Among other Singlish words being considered for addition to the prestigious dictionary are "saltish", "izzit", and "kiasu".

Prime Minister Goh applauded the move, saying "Wah, Webster's so shiok, lah!"

British Council To Offer New Course

The British Council has announced they will offer a new course entitled, “Basic Principles In Civility” starting next month. The course, targeted at primary and secondary school children, will cover such topics as “Let People Alight From the MRT Before You Board”, “Positive Usage of ‘Thank You’ and Other Uncommon Phrases”, and “Yes, Even You Can Let Other People Go First”.

 Said Dean of Admissions, Sir Nigel Fink, “This is yet another wonderful contribution that Great Britain has made to Singapore. Next to Manchester United and Robbie Williams, this may represent one of the most important contributions to Singapore we have made in our long, glorious history.”

In The World

Barak Challenges Arafat to Thumb Wrestle For West Bank

In a bold move, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak renounced the violence between Israelis and Palestinians and instead offered to challenge Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat in a best of three "thumb wrestling smackdown". The winner of the thumb wrestling competition would then gain control over the disputed West Bank.

Arafat was quick to reject the challenge, noting that Barak was a two time thumb wrestling champion in his University days. He counter-offered Barak by offering a "winner take Jerusalem" contest using the popular arcade game, Dance Dance Revolution. Sources close to Arafat revealed that Arafat was "addicted" to the game and actually imported one from Japan for his own personal use.

America's Supreme Court 
Evens Score With Singapore

Washington, D.C. -- In a show of strength for America, the U.S. Supreme Court passed a resolution stating that it was legal for states to punish Singaporeans convicted of felonies in the U.S. by hitting them with a baseball bat.

 “If it’s okay for them to punish Americans by giving them strokes with a cane, then it’s okay for us to punish Singaporeans convicted of felonious crimes in the United States by hitting them with baseball bats. After all, what’s more American than baseball?” the Chief Justice said in an official statement.

 The Supreme Court referred to the case of Michael Fay, an American punk-ass kid who was convicted of crimes in Singapore and sentenced to a caning. Although the case took place nearly a decade ago, it’s still a source of contention for many outraged Americans.

 “It’s about time we showed Singapore what America is all about.” Said unemployed Pittsburg steel worker Butch “Bulldog” Stahl. “I’m going out to buy me a baseball bat right now. Can I borrow twenty dollars?”

The Court limited the types of bats which could be used for punishment to only wooden bats “such as a Louisville Slugger”, and if the person wielding the bat swings three times and misses, the felon could be released without further punishment.

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